When I laugh during interviews with stand-up comedians, I usually note the laughter by bracketing the words interviewer laughs.
Like this: [interviewer laughs]
If I did that for this two-part interview with Robert Kelly, we probably would have had to make it a three-parter, and I definitely would have gotten tired of reaching for the bracket keys.
Kelly, a veteran stand-up and actor who is headlining Goodnights Comedy Club in Raleigh this week, and I talked on the phone a few days before Christmas, and I laughed so much during the interview that I got kind of annoyed with myself. If it was that annoying to hear it, I imagine reading [interviewer laughs] 25 times would get old quick too, so I only included a handful of bracketed interjections, but please understand that Kelly kept me laughing throughout our discussion about his role on Louis CK’s hit show, “Louie,” eating double dinners — also known as bang-bangs — sobriety and more.
Enjoy the interview, come back for Part II tomorrow, follow and don’t forget The Best Tweet I Can Find in Five Minutes at the end.
Tony Castleberry: I think you’re a damn good actor. Have you taken acting lessons or just used on-the-job training?
Robert Kelly: A little bit of both. I have an acting teacher who I’ve been with for 20 years out of Boston who works with Chris O’Donnell, Eliza Dushku, a bunch of famous people. He’s kind of my mentor, but I’ve always liked acting. When I started comedy back in Boston, most comics were just doing comedy. I was always doing acting too. I was always into plays in college and then when I got out of college, I was always trying to get into movies and auditions and stuff. I love comedy, but I like being on a set too. I think it’s cool. It’s hard to do comedy acting because, to do stand-up, I’m going up there by myself. I say whatever I want how I want it and (the audience) has to deal with it, you know what I mean? It’s my thing. I’m the director, the editor, the writer, the performer. But like when I did “Louie” or (Denis Leary’s) “Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll” and you’re working with comic geniuses like that, you have to kind of incorporate your funny with their funny, and that’s hard sometimes.
TC: If the conversations I’m seeing (on screen) look like conversations I feel like I could actually have, that, to me, makes a good actor, and that’s what I get from you. You seem believable to me and it seems like I could have that same conversation with somebody, if that makes sense.
RK: That has to do with the writing too. … Most comics have to do silly stuff to get on TV, like (in a ridiculous voice), “Hey, how ya doin’ there, cutie?” or whatever garbage line they have to try to deliver or make funny. When you get a “Louie” script, it’s like, “Oh my god. I can’t believe I get to do this on TV.” Some of the conversations we had were so outrageous, but they were interesting because they were so real, and you never see real conversations on TV like that. And, they’re funny. My favorite type of funny is real funny.
TC: Is a something you’ve experienced in real life or was it just written for that “Louie” episode?
RK: Louis wrote that. I remember when we were shooting it, he was like, “OK, come up with restaurants. Give me some bang-bangs.” We’re coming up with stuff and I go, “You know this is gonna become a thing, right? You’re creating a fast track to diabetes for a lot of people.” He actually created the drinking game for fat people and yes, as soon as I read it, I go, “Oh, I did that the day before.” I did it all the time, especially if we’re down at the (Comedy) Cellar (in New York CIty) on weekends. There’s 900 great restaurants right there. I’ve done Thai food and pizza. I’ve done hot dogs and Vietnamese food. I did Israeli food and then steak. I’ve done it all. I’ve done a bang-bang-bang.
TC: You tripled it?
RK: Oh yeah, I’ve done a triple bang. I do not suggest doing that to anybody. Don’t do a bang-bang-bang. My feet felt wet. I didn’t know what had happened.
TC: Since I quit drinking about six months ago, my food intake, Robert, has gone up tremendously. I’ve come close to doing a bang-bang. What I have done is go out to dinner, then make something else when I get home. Does that count as a bang-bang, you think?
RK: That’s the sneaky bang-bang.
I’ve been sober for 30 years. [interviewer interrupts]
TC: Right on, man.
RK: Good for you, too. I quit drinking and drugs when I was really young, but you’ve gotta be careful because food is the worst addiction. With drugs, there are all these shows about, “Oh, you quit heroin.” God bless you. That’s hard to do, but food is harder to me because with drugs and alcohol, you get arrested for drunk driving. You get put in jail. It’s illegal. There’s no fat bastard police. Nobody’s gonna break my door down at 3 in the morning as I eat pizza out of the garbage that my wife threw away. [interviewer laughs] There’s no fatso jail. There’s no fat guys marching…because they would last for eight seconds until they saw a hot dog truck and then they’d disperse.
Be careful. I say this all the time: Chubby people are my people. If you look in the mirror and you’re sad, you’re my people. I think you’re a better person too. If you look in the mirror and say, “Oh my god, yeah!” and then you plop an almond into your mouth? You’re a crappy person to me.
TC: I feel like (having body issues) gives you a humbleness that people who are in shape don’t have, you know?
RK: Absolutely. If an in-shape guy wants to fight me, he’s hoping that his shirt will get ripped off. That’s my biggest fear. [laughs] I’ll just be trying to cover my side fat with my elbows and my awful breasts with my index finger.
That’s why there are no fat guys in jail. They’re all in shape. I’m not doing anything you have to escape from. [interviewer laughs]
I just sold this TV script to FX and we want to do a show on food addiction. There’s a bunch of shows about drug addiction and alcoholism and sex addiction. Food is the worst drug of them all because you have to eat. People actually want you to be fat because everybody has a fat barometer friend. Like, “As long as I don’t get as fat as them.” The worst thing in the world is when your friend gets it together and they start going to the gym. You’re just praying for their knee to give out or something like that. You hope their marriage breaks up because you want them to go back to eating. [interviewer laughs and can be heard saying “Oh my god” on the recording]
I would say for you, my friend, be careful on the food. Good for you (for giving up booze). Keep that up, but just be careful, man.
TC: Thanks, but this fucking ice cream, man. They talk about replacing one addiction with another. I’m going on seven months sober now and I think I’ve had ice cream every single (sober) night.
RK: It’s releasing this shit out of your brain, dude, that’s getting you high, but here’s the deal — nobody cares about you and your ice cream addiction. [interviewer laughs] Nobody cares if you balloon up to 450 pounds. People are gonna be happy that you’re gonna make them feel better about their lives.
Do what you’ve got to do to stay off the booze. Everybody gains a little weight. Try sex.
TC: It’s a great workout.
RK: Get addicted to that, if you can. You can do it yourself, cheaper.
TC: Cleanup is easier too when I only have to clean up for me.
RK: And you don’t have to talk. Turn the TV on (afterward).
TC: I’ll watch a Robert Kelly comedy special.
Here it is, The Best Tweet I Can Find in Five Minutes:
Me: ugh what a terrible year, so many deaths
Coworker: yeah, my aunt died back in August
Me: fuck off, I meant famous people— David Hughes (@david8hughes)
