2014 was a year filled with hundreds of millions of tweets. Some were good. Some were bad. Some were in English. Some were in languages I can’t even pretend to mimic.
But what were the best tweets of the year? Who could possibly list the top posts of the last 12 months and then crown one as the absolute best the internet has to offer?
LET’S COUNT IT DOWN:
6. Swaggy P holds one arm in higher regard than the other
No tats on the right arm Strictly for buckets
— Nick Young (@NickSwagyPYoung) August 15, 2014
Imagine trying to get away with something like this in your life. You’re getting your hand stamped for re-entry as you leave the state fair. The attendant tries to stamp your right hand, but you stop her, stare her right in the eyes, and say “No stamps on the right hand Strictly for texting.” You are now Swaggy P. Rejoice. You are dating Iggy Azalea, and this happened to you.
5. The World Cup of Sid Meyer
The USMNT advances with: – A win over Germany OR – Defeat the Minoans AND recover three artifacts OR – Build a Wonder — Ryan Nanni (@celebrityhottub) June 23, 2014
Remember when the USMNT was a game away from making it out of the group of death, and your soccer friend tried to explain all of the scenarios to you, and you stared at him like he was speaking mandarin?
Remember right after that when you logged onto Steam and played Civ 5 for four hours and lost to your neighbor Jim because HE FUCKING CHEATED AND WENT BACK ON THE TRUCE WE SIGNED NOT TO START A WAR WITH EACH OTHER UNTIL AT LEAST TURN 150. YEAH JIM I’M STILL PISSED ABOUT IT WHAT DO YOU THINK?
This combined both of those things, and also reminded me that Minoans existed.
Crazy stuff, yo.
4. An accurate depiction of my love life
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 13, 2014
A few years ago, I spent the summer working in Charlottesville. I met a girl while I was at a Death Cab for Cutie concert downtown one night, and asked her out for coffee some time. I got sick the day we were supposed to get together and had to reschedule for the next week. I didn’t realize it until after I left the cafe, but I had worn the same shirt that I was wearing when we met. “Haha, I hope she didn’t notice,” I thought. “That would be weird.” I ended up not texting her back for one reason or another, and ran into her two weeks later outside of a Five Guys. I was wearing that same goddamn shirt. We have not spoken since.
3. So should I expect a call back? Orrrrrrrrrr
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn’t get this job — Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 19, 2014
I was in the library last week and saw a buddy of mine that I hadn’t run into since finals week of my freshman year. We had this great, nostalgic conversation about all of the things that have happened to us since then. He studied abroad, and got to see Italy. I worked at a newspaper and got to go to the World Cup. It was nice catching up. At the end of our conversation, he went for the bro-style handshake, while I went for the hug, because I’m bad at human interaction. I didn’t notice his arm, and had already committed to the embrace. Naturally, my ex-girlfriend was present to watch me smush a man’s hand to his chest with my torso.
Moral of the story: Don’t be as bad as I am at people.
2. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica
he died doing what he loved, shouting “fuck bears” in the forest
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) February 21, 2014
While I read this tweet, I imagined a middle aged man dressed from head to toe in flannel standing in a clearing in the middle of the woods screaming, “FUCK BEARS,” while being encircled by dozens of enormous, menacing grizzlies. For some reason, I find that comforting.
1. Good Ol’ Joe
REPORTER: Mr. President, what’s your favorite Wu Tang album? OBAMA: What kind of question is — [biden grabs podium] BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS — blupman (@blippoblappo) April 26, 2014
The first time I saw this, I fell out of my chair because I was laughing so hard. That’s not a lie either. I actually laughed so hard that I fell out of my chair, and the sorority girl that sat across the table from me told me that I either needed to shut the fuck up, or leave the library.
The thing that makes this tweet so great is the fact that I can absolutely picture Joe Biden pushing President Obama to the side, grabbing the podium, and screaming “LIQUID SWORDS.”
The Vice President clearly knows his Wu-Tang, as “Liquid Swords” is without a doubt better than “Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers).” Anyone who disagrees with me is wrong.
By far, the most underrated part of this 140-character literary masterpiece is the question from the reporter at the start. Everyone knows that a good press conference should make its way to 90’s hip-hop, but most journalists use that portion of the public forum to ask the President about the Jigga man, or Biggie. Good on this brave soul for asking the questions that matter.
It’s been a good year for twitter. Let’s top it in 2015.