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Every year, we all make a list of New Year’s Resolutions. But it turns out we’ve been doing it all wrong.

The most popular resolutions include things like “go to the gym regularly,” “eat better,” and “lose weight.” They’re all admirable goals, but they’re also doomed to failure.

Think about it. Let’s say you resolve to “stop eating junk food.” You throw out all the candy you received over the holidays and buy fruit to help make nutritious and delicious smoothies. And you actually do it for a few weeks. Then, a sandwich you ordered at lunch comes with fries. You decide to eat a couple.

Resolution broken. You fail.

Similarly, you can go to the gym for four months … then things get hectic and you stop, and just like that, you’re a New Year’s Resolution stereotype.

The problem is that people decide to use their resolutions to try to make permanent lifestyle changes. That’s asking a bit much from something you write down while still hung over from New Year’s Eve.

There are other ways to improve your life besides CHANGING it. While you should still head to the gym and stop eating junk, it’s better to use your New Year’s Resolutions to find things that you can ADD to your life with a little bit of effort.

For instance, I’ve always wanted to learn to whistle through two fingers, like old-school basketball coaches do. You know, the guys who are always from Brooklyn and say things like “score the ball” and have been doing this since before whistles were even invented.

If I could learn how to whistle through my fingers, my life would be incrementally better. And once I master that skill, I HAVE it. It’s in my weird-skill tool box. It’s not like a gym membership, where I need to keep learning it forever.

Another example: I’d like to learn how to do a flip turn, like the Olympic swimmers do. It’s probably fairly easy to learn, and, when I’m swimming with friends, it’s a simple way to show off in the pool.

That’s how you do resolutions, people. And there are plenty of skills I plan to pick up this year … I want to learn to throw bowls onto my head like Red Panda (not while on a unicycle … that’s just nuts. Maybe on a bar stool or something.)

I want to figure out how to be in a talk show audience when the host announces that “everyone in the crowd is going home with one.”

Not all of my resolutions are just fun little quirky things, however. I’d also like to add some valuable survival skills to my arsenal … or at least what I assume are survival skills, from a lifetime of watching action movies.

Learn to pick a lock with a paper clip: This one shouldn’t be too hard. I already have some experience in picking bathroom locks (as has anyone who had a toddler and a bathroom with push-button locks)

Learn to hotwire a car

Start a fire without matches

Learn to sneak up behind a guard and silently choke them out

Cut and dye my hair in a gas station bathroom

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Learn to use a ballpoint pen to give someone a tracheotomy

Withstand torture

So there it is: You have fun at the gym, I’ll be working on my list of bad-ass New Year’s Resolutions. Like any resolutions, I may not actually accomplish everything I set out to do this year, but I’ll keep you updated on my progress with periodic reports on how things are going.

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