A promising year for NC State turned south after a season-opening loss to South Carolina.
While local fans were heartbroken, live animals across the eastern seaboard began a raucous celebration that continues into midweek.
Hundreds of woodchuck and chipmunk voices joined together in defiant chants of “eat this” as they danced around forest bonfires in pagan celebration.
With a talented and experienced roster, the Wolfpack were considered a dark-horse contender for the College Football Playoff by many in the national media. Predictions that State would crash the playoff were scoffed at by reporters with a greater understanding of State Shee.
Fed up with the playoff nonsense, Louisville writer and radio host Mark Ennis vowed to “eat a live animal” if the Wolfpack made it to the Playoff this season.
I'll eat a live animal if NC State makes the playoff. https://t.co/vB0s6jSH9E
— Mark Ennis (@MarkEnnis) August 25, 2017
Fear quickly spread throughout the animal kingdom, particularly among the smaller, meatier species. That feeling of dread lasted exactly seven seconds into the football season, when South Carolina’s Deebo Samuel took the opening kickoff of NC State’s year for a touchdown.
“That’s when the party began,” said an unnamed sparrow in southern Ohio, slurring his words slightly. The celebration gained intensity as the game wore on and exploded into full-on hedonism at the final gun.
“Hopefully, this will remind the sports media not to throw around the idea of eating live prey lightly,” said a non-poisonous snake in Virginia.
“That’s right,” chimed in a defiant otter. “They should stick to eating dead animals, as they have for generations.”