We open at a Doctors Without Borders outpost in Syria, where a saintly female doctor works to save lives. She gives encouragement to patients during procedures and promises to follow up with them in post-op. This is someone we all want as our primary-care practitioner. Clearly something terrible is going to happen to her.

She dramatically unwraps bandages around a wounded man’s eye, and he exclaims, “I can see!” Joy abounds. Yeah, this doctor is going to suffer a terrible fate.

Sure enough, she’s kidnapped by terrorists, while on the phone with her husband in the states. We cut to the title and then a black screen with the words: “The defense of the United States and its citizens depends increasingly on two groups … The intelligence analysts in Washington, who uncover and interpret threats. And the Special Forces operators tasked with eliminating them.”

These are their stories. Clang clang.

The shameless Law & Order: Middle East then takes us to D.C., where Anne Heche is an apparently OCD director of intelligence. Junior analysts whisper about how amazing she is for our benefit, and then Anne launches into a bland pep talk. “Her NGO is claiming that there’s no way to find out who that mystery man was. Hannah, you WILL prove them wrong. Our director wants to send a message that no attack on an American civilian will be tolerated. It’s up to us to send that message for him. LET’S DO IT!”

These are the people who our defense depends increasingly on? That’s troubling.

Cut to the Turkey, where we meet the other group—the Special Forces operators. A captain is scolding someone who is clearly a dog.

“If you don’t adjust your attitude, we’re going to have a problem,” he says to someone offscreen … who is a dog. “You don’t get to run around here, ignoring orders.” It’s a dog.

Surprise reveal. It’s a dog. We’re done here.

Time of death: Five minutes.