If you’re one of the people that starts complaining at Halloween about how early Christmas decorations are up, we have some bad news for you.
Time has passed you by. It’s now officially The Holiday Season! Embrace it or stand aside.
The soundtrack for the holidays is an important part of setting the mood, and if your car stereo is playing anything other than one of the 24-hour Christmas stations for the next month, you’re both a Grinch and a Scrooge.
Not every Christmas song is a winner, however. Even the popular, traditional ones have their flaws. And, as with everything else related to the holidays, people have strong emotional reactions when it comes to their holiday music.
So, if you’re looking for a Christmas season fight, here’s a good starting point: The six most-despicable popular Christmas songs ever.
- All I Want For Christmas Is You:
The whole point of a Christmas song is for everyone to join in and sing. Have you ever had a sing-along to this song? No, because the song exists solely to show off the singer’s range. It’s not a Christmas song at all—it’s an audition for The Voice.
The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting on an open fire) is also in this category.
- Santa Baby:
Do we really need to explain this one? Pouty, baby-talking singers trying to make Santa Claus their sugar daddy? There’s also some heavy handed double entendre: “Hurry down my chimney tonight”? “Come and trim my Christmas tree” also makes us feel dirty. About all this song missed was including the line from another less heinous Christmas song: “Jump in bed and cover your head, ‘cuz Santa Claus is coming tonight.”
- Last Christmas:
“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.”
It’s been a year, and you’re still singing about this breakup? The LAST thing you need to be doing is giving your heart to someone else. Work through your stuff, stop singing about your ex, and maybe by next Christmas, you won’t be such a train wreck.
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:
What is it with all the sexualization of Santa? He’s a fat old man who loves children and brings presents. That really shouldn’t be turning people on. This song is someone’s therapy session. Who knows what kind of damage this Christmas Eve role playing did to the poor kid. And don’t bother making your point … we *get* that the guy is actually dad, dressed up as Santa. That doesn’t make it any better. The only thing that would make this worse would be to have an actual kid sing it. Oh … you’ve done that too. I’m sure he turned out normal.
- Baby, It’s Cold Outside:
Nothing to see here. Just a cheerful holiday tune about date rape. She wants to leave his house and go home. He … doesn’t want to let her. At one point, she asks, “Say, what’s in this drink?” Later, she says, “The answer is no,” and he continues to argue. Weren’t the 1940s a glamourous time?
Maybe if we reverse roles and have the WOMAN try to keep the MAN from leaving?
It’s still date rape.
Maybe if we have kids play the roles?
Very disturbing date rape.
How about a same-sex couple?
Look, it’s all date rape. In the words of the woman held against her will on Christmas Eve, “The answer is no.” The only suitable version of this song is Key & Peele’s:
- The most despised popular Christmas song ever—Christmas Shoes:
Are you KIDDING me with this song? “I want her to look beautiful, if Momma meets Jesus tonight,” has to be the most vile, manipulative lyric ever written in the history of music.
This song must have been scientifically designed in a laboratory to hit all the emotional triggers. It’s the Super Bowl commercial (Talking animals? Check. Adorable baby? Check. Classic rock song? Check.) of Christmas songs. “We need one dying mother, one poor, penniless kid, Jesus and a pinch of The True Meaning of Christmas. Mix well. Now regurgitate it onto an unsuspecting American public.”
Do you really think that when you die, the first thing Jesus will do is check out your kicks? What about the man would make you think he’s the least bit interested in footwear. He spent his life walking through the desert in sandals. Also, why is this child out shopping alone on Christmas Eve while his MOTHER is home DYING? Imagine the poor dad at home, watching his wife die, then looking to break the news to his son, who has gone missing.
And, if the singer is to believed, THAT is What Christmas is All About.